There is nothing noble in being superior to your fellow man; true nobility is being superior to your former self.
― Ernest Hemingway
In fourth grade, my best friend at the time, Frida, moved to Sweden. I had previous “best friends” and I had a lot of great memories with them, but this one was special. I had a lot more “she gets me” moments than I ever had with anybody else. I think I’ve mentioned this before. Maybe not here. Either way, a lot of damage was done.
I remember the last afternoon I spent with her. It was a swim meet. And at the end of the day, her dad carried her over one shoulder and she was crying and I just remember thinking “This is it. She’s gone.”
The day she actually left, all of her friends gathered outside of her house and packed them all up into the car that would take them to the airport. We ran after her as the car left the neighborhood. Everybody was crying and upset and I guess I just didn’t know how to cry. She was my best friend; but I guess everybody felt that about her too. She was well loved. I like to think I was also her best friend, in return. But I don’t know. We were 9.
I’ve had a lot of problems with people and possession and sharing in the past. I don’t like to do it. I mean really, who does? But I don’t like it. I don’t want them to change their minds.
Yesterday was a little bit of an emotional collapse. But I think it needed to happen in order for me to see things clearly again. I’ve re-read my 2014, at least my 2014 on this blog. I had a lot to learn. I’m still learning. I’m unstable. And I’m flip-floppy.
I first wrote about change and couldn’t handle it. Then I was ok with it. I’m back to not being able to handle it. I’m assuming this is a fairly normal thing. For most people anyways.
My issues with people though pretty much stem from seeing Frida leave. It wasn’t her fault. She didn’t choose to go. She was 9. But I was 9. And she left me. And when you’re 9 you can promise somebody everything in the world and all of the emails and phone calls but eventually, you’ll just lose touch.
I had a string of “best friends” for almost ten years before I accepted what really needed to be done in order to be a good friend. That was a whole other lesson. Related though. As much as I pushed people away for being bad friends to me, I was in-turn not good friends to them either. At a certain point though I don’t think I wanted to commit to being a good friend because I did that once, and she left me.
If there’s one thing that a child should be able to count on, it’s that their parents will always be there when you need them. Too bad it doesn’t always work this way.
I obviously knew that at some point my parents weren’t going to be there. But my dad dying wasn’t something that I prepared myself for. And I know he didn’t choose this way out. I got that same feeling though, that I was left. That I was abandoned.
I have major abandonment issues. And if people change, there’s a chance they’ll leave me. And that’s what freaks me out the most.
If I stay in one place, they’ll always be able to find me. And so help me God I’ll do whatever I can to keep the people in my life that I want to keep. So why wouldn’t they do the same for me? Or, what could I have done to keep them in my life? How did I fail?
I said once that I wouldn’t leave an adopted puppy out in the rain, but it’s because I don’t want people to do it to me.
I adopt people because if I adopt them they’re my people. They can’t leave me if they’re mine.
But that’s not how the world works.
I’ve had a lot of “Universe” lessons; patience, relativity, humility, and acceptance. I need to accept things as they come. I’ll never be a “go with the flow” person but I can learn to adapt. I should learn to adapt.
Again, I know there are going to be more days where I just fall apart in the future. But I almost let yesterday get the better of me. This happened back in December too. I told myself I have to get up with grace though. So here I am, getting up.
And this I’m just adding as a reminder to myself: there are always going to be people that care, even if they’re not who you’re looking for.
This is actually what this blog has been for me – constant reminders of the good. Of what I need to keep in mind. Of what I need to let go of. It was therapeutic to look through everything last night. Reading what I had learned. And reading what I need to re-focus on.
Yesterday I felt stupid and for the most part alone. I was upset and angry and frustrated and sad. By all accounts it was a bad day. But my very first message to myself, here, was that there’s something good in every day – yesterday although I fell apart, I fell apart. I fell apart and then I re-focused on being patient, and seeing that it’s not as bad as it could be, and that I’m going to be ok. I shouldn’t live up to other people’s expectations but my own, for myself. Being catered to and being treated like a princess is fine but only if you carry yourself with the qualities that come with being called that. Be fair. Be honest. Be caring. Be smart. Be kind. Be loyal.
Falling apart yesterday was exactly what I needed. It was the good in the “something good.” That secret nugget of a lesson, again handed over by the Universe, well, I see it now. Even if it is, just slightly annoying, that they all seem to circle around a handful of experiences, all linking back to one central place. But I get it.
Today I woke up and was thankful for everything that I had. For the people in my life, who are really, actually there. That I can say with a lot of comfort, that don’t seem to be going anywhere anytime soon.
Anyways, today’s a better day than yesterday. And there will be more bad days. But I’m thankful for my people. I’m thankful for the reminders of goodness. I don’t promise to be all straight, and understanding from here but I do promise to remind myself of the good.