irrational madness

I think that you find your own way. You have your own rules. You have your own understanding of yourself, and that’s what you’re going to count on. In the end, it’s what feels right to you … Not what anybody else tells you.
– Meryl Streep

I’ve found myself irrationally mad. I don’t have any reason, really, or right, to be mad. But I am. I wasn’t promised anything, and I absolutely expected everything to settle this way. But I’m mad. And annoyed. And I feel stupid. And that’s my least favorite part of all of this. I let myself feel stupid.

Real talk, top 5 least favorite things, not in any particular order because they all equally make me want to die (“die” might be a little dramatic):

  1. Clowns
  2. The Dark
  3. Dirty Hands
  4. Feeling Stupid
  5. Being Used

But anyways. I did it to myself. And truth be told, I know exactly why this happened. I hate change. And I absolutely don’t handle it well. I’m having my mid-youth crisis and I’m projecting it onto something that really shouldn’t have bothered me, and wouldn’t have bothered me like a week ago.

Everything is changing, and the reality is at any moment, I’ll probably have to move out of the house I grew up in, not by choice either. I’ll have to move on from everything and probably everybody that I know. I’m turning 25 in August. This whole graduation thing means I have to pick a path for now and commit to the whole adult thing. I’m 10000% a person that needs routine. I have a routine. Every day and every week. I have, or had, a routine. And now the very scary reality is that everything is going to change and it’s freaking me out. And now I’m mad. Because I’m being weirdly sensitive over something that I knew was coming. And I’m annoyed. And I feel stupid.

Again, it’s nobody’s fault but mine. I ignored some red flags recently. I pushed away the fact that my brain said “I miss my dad.” I pushed away how anxious large groups of people have made me recently. I pushed away the fact that I need to sleep more. Depression and anxiety crept in because I wasn’t paying attention. I’m just so tired.

And I was waiting for somebody to tell me what to do. How to move on. How to deal with my problems. I actually had an emotional crisis yesterday and went a little crazy. I got a lot of good advice. It helped. But I was still mad and then this afternoon it clicked and I had to actually address the fact that there’s more to me being mad than just being right about being disappointed.

So after randomly crying about…. everything, and then feeling super sorry for myself, and then, again, feeling stupid about that again, I guess I got over it. More like I needed to get over it. It wasn’t worth anything being irrationally mad. I know what’s wrong. And I know why. And it wasn’t fair to anybody for me to be irrationally mad like that.

I know this isn’t the last day this is going to happen. Which sucks. But at least I see it? I guess? Anyways. I guess works in progress are bound to change, so I need to be more open to it.

One thought

  1. Knowing there’s something wrong is a hard step, and you’ve taken it. You have a positive outlook and that will, I’m sure, pull you out of these tear stained days. I wish you joy,

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