things fall apart

Take me to church
I’ll worship like a dog at the shrine of your lies
I’ll tell you my sins and you can sharpen your knife
Offer me that deathless death
Good God, let me give you my life  – Hozier

The idea that you slowly die when in love is sort of perfect; it makes sense. And no, I’m not in love. Not at all. I haven’t been for a long time. I don’t even think I really was with my last few boyfriends or “whatevers” – the non-official, “we’re not labelled” dudes.

But you see yourself as one person in the beginning and then everything disintegrates. If you look at yourself from the other person’s point of view, you’re not even remotely who you thought you were. The person you were died. You just have to learn to evolve.

Thing is, I really like where I am right now. I’m also in no way saying I’m totally perfect, but, I just like where I am.

A lot of things changed this year. At the time, it felt like things were just constantly catastrophically doomed to fail. It was months of a haze of misery. And then one day, it all just didn’t matter. My issues were not even that bad, considering. To me, they were at the time, and it was important to feel that. But it was also important to wake up and keep going. It was important to realize that it’s just not that bad.

Feeling like I won the misery games – 18 year old me needed that. 19 year old me needed that. So did 20, 21, 22, and 23 year old me. 24 year old me didn’t. I was anxious, tired, annoyed, cranky, and just unhappy. And it felt like there was no way out. Being miserable was something I accepted to be, and was something I expected to feel forever.

And then one day, it just stopped. New people came into my life, and those point of views just snapped reality back into me. Not harshly. Not harshly at all. It was actually really gentle. That snap made me gather my shit and realize I needed to change in order for things to get better. I couldn’t be dependent on somebody else to make me feel better.

Fighting with friends, hating myself, expecting the worst – that was 90% of the first 8 months of this year. There were a lot of good moments, but I concentrated so hard on being angry that I didn’t experience them quite as fully as I should have.

At this point, it’s all starting to sound really repetitive – that you have to believe in the good. But I keep saying it here because even though I may not need it, somebody out there probably does. Or maybe I will in a few months. Who knows.

Anyways, I just like where I am right now. I’m happy with where I am. It feels stable. And I know I’m going to have bad days mixed in there, but I can bare them now. I don’t really want to move on from this place yet because it’s brought a lot of good. I’m not in any place to say that I can control what happens. I just – I just don’t want to lose where I am right now. It’s asking for a lot – to ask nothing to happen just so I can be in this place, at least for a little while longer. But I don’t want somebody to come into my life and kill the person I am now. Even if it may be for the better. And it’s purely for selfish reasons. And I should embrace the fact that more change and constant evolution is good. I’m just happy right now.

Things fall apart. You just have to find a way to put them back together with grace.

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