From Agnieszka Holland’s “The Secret Garden” Source: Tumblr

I am sure there is Magic in everything, only we have not sense enough to get hold of it and make it do things for us – Frances Hodgson Burnett, The Secret Garden

The semester is almost over. And holidays are coming. And Angry-Holiday-Feelings are here. And my Tired-I-Hate-School-Game is strong. And all that from last week is still a thing. But, the semester is almost over. And I love celebrating holidays. Making holidays special for another person is one of my favorite things.

This past week was a strange mix of high-highs and low-lows. Like, of the good things that happened? Real good. The shitty, “I HATE ALL THE THINGS” part? I had the MOST hate for this week. And again, it’s all relative, so really, comparing to like parts of April or May, they weren’t even that bad.

I just had a busy week. And I guess that’s how I made sense of it.

I got an iPhone 6, then I had to deal with more work-shit that I can’t go into detail about but it was annoyingly bad, then I got to spend time with my favorite kids ever, then I had to deal with family stuff, then this thing happened that I never really expected to happen, and I got to have Chinese food with my peoples and then other things happened. That was all so vague. But I can’t really talk about some of it. Either way, it was a roller coaster of good-bad-good-bad-good-bad-REALGOOD-bad etc.

This post is quickly turning very annoying. And it’s so vague. But I’m in sort of a fog today so I don’t really have the mental faculties to straighten it all out right now.

I’m tired.

For the past 9 or so months, I’ve been getting an average of 4 hours of sleep every night. 4 hours rounding up. For the last 3 months, it’s been almost exactly 3 hours and 34 minutes every night. It’s the strangest thing.

There have been a handful of nights where I’ve been able to just zonk out and sleep for like 14 hours but most of those were when I was sick or when I finally just collapsed, emotionally and physically.

And for the first few months I – (OH MY GOD I’M SITTING IN THE COMPUTER LAB AT SCHOOL WRITING THIS AND I LOOKED OVER TO MY LEFT AND THE GUY SITTING NEXT TO ME IS WATCHING MUSIC VIDEOS AND LIP SYNCING ALONG AND SORT OF HEAD BOBBING WHAT EVEN) – was for sure not used to having so little sleep that I was cranky all the time. And then over the summer I just got used to it. And the sleep would just come whenever – some days I’d fall asleep at 8:30 in the evening and some days I’d fall asleep at like 5 am. And now I’m on a schedule so it just feels normal. Even though it’s so severely not normal.

I know 80% of it is because I’m not dealing with situations or emotional things that I know I have to confront. Which is why sleep aids don’t work. But anyways, my sleeping problems aside, I’m in a weird mood and feeling very up and down and I can’t wait until this semester is over so I can just collect myself for a while again.

I’m just tired.

Anyways, I wasn’t planning on sounding whiny this morning. I actually don’t even feel all that whiny. That all just came out. I’m relatively in good spirits. The good things that happened last week positively outweighed the negatives. Quite possibly because I sort of “reached goals” this past week, personally or whatnot. (So vague).

And actually now that I’m thinking about the bad things, after it all happened, I’m ok. They were shitty to immediately deal with, but now I’m good. How wishy-washy of me. Again, I’m in a weird fog. That December, “What’s even going on right now” fog where you have to buy gifts and finish tests and plan for the future. That weird “What shows have ended for their mid-winter break, and what shows are still going on, WHAT’S HAPPENING” sort of feeling.

At least the other day I was able to turn off my phone for like 4 hours and center myself. I haven’t had time for that in a long time. That was one of my good things from last week. I sat outside, in the overcast weather, in my backyard, with my roses (which are still blooming, thanks to that ever-so-lovely California drought) and just zoned out for 4 hours. It was great. Of course after that I was in crisis mode. Because everything is a-OK or a Red Level Catastrophe.

During my 4 hour break from the world though I got to re-calibrate my stance on the world and review, literally re-view, how I see things. It was nice. There really is magic out there, you just have to look for it. It’s as simple as waking up to rain, or finding twenty cents on the ground.

The long, round-about message of this post is, again, it’s all relative, and there’s something good in every day. There are beautiful things everywhere, no matter where you are, how you feel, what you’re doing. I really do believe it.

It took how long? Years, for me to come to terms with it. But at this precise moment, I 100% believe it with every fiber of my being.

Long, rambly, disorganized, vague post done 🙂

Happy Tuesday everybody.

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