you can’t always get what you want

But if you try sometimes well you might find
you get what you need – The Rolling Stones

And what is it I need? A lesson on patience. Clearly.

I hate being impatient. But it’s because the problem is: I always get what I want. I’ve always been that person. Generally, things go my way. I find something, I buy it. If I don’t have the money, I’ll find the money. I’ll plan the vacation. I’ll make an excuse to have things go my way.

The fact that I can’t just force things to happen the way I want them to, in this particular situation, is well, annoying. And Frustrating.

You know what? I don’t think I’ve ever liked a boy that I didn’t get in the end, aside from the one that was gay. And it was because he was gay. Not because of me. So this whole… being patient and not being in control thing? Super irritating. And not really having any info? Way, way, way, WAY more irritating. I mean seriously dude.

What annoys me most though is the fact that it’s getting to me. I’ve been a bitchy, bossy, no-nonsense sort of person for a long time. Things never used to get to me, and then in the last like year, everything has gotten to me. Not just this having a crush thing. Rude people at work, and assholes at school, and old dudes that sexually harass me and all that crap. It’s getting to me.

Basically, this dude Preston Burk-ed and Owen Hunt-ed me. And it’s all on top of this weird, mushy, girly pile of crap that I’ve turned into and by God it’s so fucking annoying. It’s annoying. And I like him. And I’m annoyed. And I feel like a creepy person, who’s like “way thirsty” to steal a phrase from Sergio.

The more I think about it though, the more I realize that I’ve let boys be my kryptonite since like the 4th grade.

Story time, shall we?

In 4th grade, there was a boy named Casey. There was also a boy named Geoffrey. Well, guess who liked BOTH. THIS GIRL. Anyways, it got to the point that in 5th grade, when we went to that stupid outdoor camping thing for a few days, I got defensive. This thing happened, Geoffrey was being playful with another girl, and the girl had sunburnt cheeks, and he sort of tapped her face and she started crying. We were the only three people that were there.

Well, I sided with Geoffrey because well, he didn’t really do anything wrong. And I liked him. And I was 10. There was no other option basically. The girl started crying not because he hit her, but because of her sunburn. She even said  “My sunburn hurts” and he apologized. Well, guess what. The ENTIRE 5th grade class of girls turned on me. And the like 3 dudes that stuck behind Geoffrey’s side. They made fun of me for liking him. They harassed me over it. And well… he didn’t do anything wrong. Those girls maliciously took it to a place that actually got me in trouble with the teachers and my parents. And guess what? Nobody believed us. They believed it was because I liked a boy not because he didn’t do anything wrong. The girl even said “don’t get them in trouble. I have a sunburn.”

Anyways, this story? I always think about it because well, I a) never got an apology from the fucking Mill Valley Moms, Teachers and bitchy 5th grade girls that ruined a week of my life and b) why didn’t I just not get involved. I mean for a while there I definitely justified the “I stick up for what’s right” thing but no, it’s because I liked him.

I also always think of it because I’ve dated a lot of “underdog” guys. Guys that for whatever reason I thought “they need me to fix them”. One was unbearably “stupid” or lack of a better word, and I got him through graduation. One was unbearably awkward, and I gave him friends. One had the same “younger sibling” complex I had, therefore I was always going to be there for him. One was a magician and lolololololol (so many issues to fix with THAT dude). One was initially dating a girl that was awful for him, and I fixed his broken heart. One was the most ridiculously pompous asshole douche bag, and I brought him down to earth, if only for a little while. And there have been more that I just… needed to push my way through and make them know they needed me and that I had all the answers.

Does part of me subconsciously know that this new crush has issues? Absolutely. And do I find that incredibly appealing? Absolutely. And do I know that it’s a really shitty thing to do? Yes. I do. I can’t change a person to solve my own boredom. And I’m working on it. I swear.

So, Universe, I really mean it. I swear I’ll be patient. I swear I’ll be a good person and take it for what it all is. And also, for all those subconscious things I know, I also do know he’s a nice guy. You know me, Universe. I don’t like nice guys. I promise I’ll be nice in return.

Happy Monday everybody – I hope your head is in a better place than mine is.

If not, here’s a picture we can all day-dream about. Maybe we can all run away together.

from Pinterest

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